December 15, 2024

I wonder a lot about why life has to be so damn hard. Why do we have to suffer so much? Why do we have to be in pain all the time... fine, I'll be frank: why do I have to be in pain all the time? The first half of this year was so promising; I was getting my health in order, physical therapy was finally helping me feel a lot better, to the point where I was starting to think maybe I didn't need to go anymore. Then, at the beginning of September, I tried to catch a bat that had gotten into my house, and gave myself a spinal fracture. What?! I'm 30, I'm improving my health, how could I get a spinal fracture?? Turns out I had a severe calcium deficiency and I didn't know it - most definitely caused by my cutting out dairy for the past year and a half, after discovering that it was the main trigger for my chronic, week-long, debilitating migraines. No dairy = no calcium = my favorite note I've ever gotten from my doctor: "Your bone density is really low. If you were over 60 I would say you have osteoporosis. Since you're not, I really don't know what this means." Anyway, the Bat Incident led to a full week of being confined to bed in excruciating pain, barely able to roll over, much less sit up or walk. It hurt to breathe sometimes. Thankfully, it healed without any further incident, but that was such a hellish week, and I've had some hellish weeks in my life, man.

Do you ever think about how the Universe has a fucked-up sense of humor? Irony? Passive-aggression? I often find that the really negative shit I've gone through in my life has led, eventually, to positive outcomes, though it can take years and years to see the benefits. Like, did I really need to crack my spine to find out I had a calcium deficiency? How was that the best way for me to discover that information, huh? But, if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't have been able to start taking calcium supplements to address it. That's all well and good, but then like... why did I start having such a truly constant string of bad luck? Not even really major things, but small things happening with such regularity that even my mom notices it; little things like my being more clumsy, dropping shit, picking up my water jug and the screw-on lid pops off in my hand, constant random small things, and then bigger things on top of those; like getting dropped by my health insurance, dealing with idiots at the new health insurance losing my card in the mail (don't use the company Oscar, they're morons - I'm still waiting on it, weeks later!!), to a big fight with my best friend K that might have ended our friendship, to constant tension headaches so bad I spend most of my day on a heating pad, unable to do things like finish all the Christmas presents I'm making... It feels like every day since September 1 has been Depressing, Mildly Shit, or Terrible (that's a scientific grading scale). I'm so tired of being in pain all the time, and being depressed. Halloween came and went without any fanfare; even before it happened, it felt like we'd collectively already skipped it; November was obviously a fucking travesty, nothing has felt good since the election. I'm sad and scared and depressed as fuck every day; I have nobody my age to hang out with in my tiny little town, and 30 seems to be the most isolated age bracket to try and make friends at all, let alone in person. My best friend C lives hundreds of miles away, K lives in another country, all my other online friends are so depressed they can barely hold a conversation anymore. This just feels like a really shitty time to be alive, dude.

I did something I never saw myself doing, actually: I bought a tarot deck. My relationship with religion and spirituality is a topic for a whole different journal entry on its own, suffice to say that I never thought I would buy a tarot deck as anything more than a curiosity, or for the art on the cards. But no, I'm so desperate for any kind of sense of direction or meaning to the Cosmic Bullshit that I got a proper Waite-Smith deck, did a few simple energy cleansing steps, and did a simple reading to try and get some direction. Personally, I think divination is mainly a means to clear and focus your own thoughts through symbolism. If you're overthinking and your focus is stretched thin between ten different things all at once, doing something like a tarot reading can, I think, just help to quiet some of that chaos for a moment through thinking about and interpreting the symbols on the cards; what you're doing is identifying thoughts you're already having, in a more clear and directed manner, and that facilitates clearer thought and focus on specific issues so you can devise a way to address them. I already knew that I needed to change a particular bad habit of mine, but seeing the Two of Wands appear cemented for me that I was at a crossroads and needed to make a decision ASAP; that's how I interpreted the card, and it made sense for the chaotic thoughts I was already having. At this point I'll take just about any guidance I can, y'know?

I'm really hoping that one day I can look back on this fucked-up year and be thankful for the unforeseen positive effects it led to... but I'm scared of what's going to happen in January, let alone the next few years. Will there be some lesson from the Universe that I can think on and say "Ah man, the road I had to take to get here sucked ass, but at least the end result is good."? I have to hope so, right?

Every December feels melancholy, even though it's my favorite time of year. If you're reading this and you have a couple minutes to listen to some good, sad music, 'A Long December' by Counting Crows is endlessly perfect, every year. Here's to 2025, I guess.